Regaining “Identity” After Kids

Posted On February 12, 2020

One of the biggest concerns I hear about full-time and working moms is losing your “identity”.  

I’ve been a full-time mom now for 5 years and this is something I have thought about A LOT.  What does it even mean to lose your identity?  And what even defines a person’s identity?  

First, I felt like I needed to just figure out what my “identity” was.  

I never had a true career.  I worked to pay the bills.  The jobs I enjoyed the most were working with children and being a fitness instructor. But I still never thought that was my identity.  It was something I enjoyed doing and something I did to make a living, but I wouldn’t say that was WHO I was.

I pondered about my identity, and stressed losing whatever this mystery thing was for the first 3 years of motherhood.  

But then I slowly started to realize that my identity had nothing to do with a job I had in the past or the degree I earned in college.  My identity was the outside passions and loves that I have.  It is a multi-faceted collection of small joys that make up who I am.  

I love getting lost in a book.  Or putting together a difficult jigsaw puzzle.  I love being outside with nature and moving my body.  I love to dance and hear good music (live music is my all time favorite).  I love working out and being a good friend.  I love being a wife and growing my relationship with my husband. I love tequila and going on fancy dates.  I find great joy in spending quality time with my family. I love eating good food and drinking a strong cup of coffee.  

And mostly I love being a mom.

These are the things I feared losing in the midst of being a full-time mom.  And honestly, I had lost a lot of them.  I was so concerned with losing some sort of made up identity that didn’t even exist, that I had actually lost most of those important small joys. 

It is so easy to say “I don’t have time to do x, y, z…” and the truth is that it IS difficult to make time to do things for ourselves as a mom. I would even go further in saying that there is often a culture among moms for who has it worse. We are strong and 100% capable of being great moms and also having our own unique identity too.  

What is important to you?  Are your kids important? Do you think you can be the best version of yourself as a mom, if your needs are NOT met?  If you aren’t doing things that make you happy?  Things that make up WHO YOU ARE?

 You have to make the time for what is important.  What is truly important.  

I didn’t do jigsaw puzzles for a long time because the guilt I put on myself.  Same with reading a good book.  It took up a lot of time and seemed to be completely unproductive.  But I missed reading so much.  And I missed doing jigsaw puzzles.  

Why did I feel so incredibly guilty about doing something that I enjoy and miss??  Because vacuuming and organizing the pantry was way more important.  This is what I would literally tell myself.  Reading that makes me actually laugh out loud.  

Once I finally gave myself permission to bring those small joys back in my life, then I was able to be my full, true self.  It is when I feel the most alive.  

Let me say that by no means do I have it all figured out and I am not always good at giving myself grace and permission.  But I am getting better everyday.  And I am losing my fear of being selfish.

I have to thank my husband for a large part of this.  He has always asked me what makes me happy.  He has challenged me to really be selfish and he reminds me almost daily to take time for myself.  

My hopes for every mom no matter where you live, is to take time EVERY day for yourself.  Even if for only 5 minutes.  Schedule that time for YOU.

We may all have a different version of what makes us happy and what makes us who we are, but we ALL need it. Let’s stop the fear of losing our “identity” by giving ourselves the approval to be our true authentic selves.  Let’s be selfish.  We deserve it. <3