Liam’s Birth Story

Posted On December 19, 2019

Birth is such a personal experience for a mama.  My first two births were in a hospital with an epidural and were very mellow and easy.  I didn’t have any trauma and they were beautiful experiences.  But for some reason I felt like something was missing from them. 

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mom.  When I was 15 years old, I got to watch my mom bring my little brother into the world and it was something that I’ll never forget.  As soon as that little new life takes their first breath, I could feel the most intense emotional energy fill the room.  Tears naturally flowed down my face and I was in complete awe of what I had just witnessed.  The strength and calmness of my mom as she pushed him out was so admirable and inspiring for me as a young teenage girl.  That entire experience was life-altering. 

I was never afraid of birth.  Of course until it was my turn to do it and I wasn’t just the observer HA!  But honestly, I wasn’t really afraid.  I knew that all the mothers before me had been through birth and that it was almost this rite of passage.  I was excited and eager.  Every birth story is so different.  What would mine be like?

I remember a couple hours after I had given birth to my first daughter, my mom asked me, “so, would you do it again?”  I immediately responded with, “yes, right now.”  For me, birth is an easier part of motherhood.  In fact, I look forward to it. 

With my second daughter, I went the same route as I did with my first – hospital birth with an epidural.  Only difference was my second progressed much quicker so instead of laboring for hours and getting an epidural at only 3cm, I got an epidural at 7cm after just arriving at the hospital.  And although I had another beautiful and mellow birth, I again felt like something was missing. 

When I had Chloe, my college roommates were also having babies. We were all due within a month of each other.  One of my roommates had a home birth and afterwards, she described it as powerful and unforgettable.  It sounded magical to me, but I had heard that home births were very dangerous and something only crazy hippies did.  She encouraged me to have a home birth if I was to ever have a third baby, but I was skeptical. 

Right before I got pregnant with my third, I had started to find interest in becoming a postpartum doula. I found postpartum unimaginably difficult and I wanted to help other moms with the same challenges.  When I took my doula training course, birth doulas were there and they were all talking about the different births they had attended.  Some were at a hospital, some were at a birthing center, and some were at home.  For some reason every time I would hear about home birth, my heart would skip a beat.  It was like my soul was longing for the experience.  Was it what I had felt was missing??

Still skeptical, I started doing research and what I found wasn’t what I had expected.  Home births aren’t as dangerous as I had thought.  In fact, studies have proven that home births can be just as safe as hospital births.  I say “can be” because it is also heavily reliant on your midwife and your health.  

Having had two pregnancies and births with zero complications, I was starting to feel like a home birth was what I wanted.  Now, how to convince the hubby was going to be a whole different set of challenges, but I was armed and ready with knowledge and statistics. 

When I first approached my husband, Conor, about having a home birth with our third, he practically laughed in my face.  I could see in his eyes he thought I was one of those crazy hippies that had gone off the deep end.  But I was so adamant that he told me he’d think about it.  Which I knew meant he was going to go dig for evidence on why I was crazy and how extremely dangerous it was for me and our unborn child.  While he was “digging”, I was already looking for a midwife.  I asked my old college roommate how to find a good midwife and began to search the web for one in San Diego.  I found one that looked like a fit to me and made an appointment.  I told Conor about the appointment and said he could ask them any questions or concerns he might have and surprisingly he agreed. 

After my appointment, I could start to see a shift in Conor’s view.  He said he had done some research on his own and couldn’t find anything that alarmed him.  And after talking with the midwife, he said he would support me in whatever decision I wanted. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have any fears after that about having a baby at home.  Every time I told someone I was having a home birth, they would look at me like I was insane.  And the question EVERY SINGLE person asked me was “why?”.  “Why would you have a home birth?”  “Aren’t you scared?” “What if something bad happens?” and sometimes even just “Man, you’re crazy.”

Something I’ve found to be very true in motherhood is that you have to be strong in your beliefs – in your “why”.  Judgement happens the moment you tell someone you’re pregnant and if you don’t stay strong in what you think is right, you’ll crumble under all the criticism.  

There were times I would question my decision – was I putting myself and my baby at risk?  Am I a crazy person?  Why AM I choosing this?

“There’s a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful. It’s that women are strong.” This quote by Laura Stavoe Harm speaks to me deeply.  I wanted a home birth because I wanted to really feel childbirth.  I wanted to feel in control of my body.  I wanted to feel in control of my entire birth experience.  I wanted to show other women that birth is not scary.  It is beautiful.  It is empowering.  I wanted to connect deeper to the women before me who had no choice but to birth unmedicated.  And to be completely vulnerable, I was afraid that if I was in a hospital and shit started to get real, I would opt for the epidural and would still feel like something was missing from my birth.  I HAD to have it at home.  

As the end of my pregnancy neared, I started to feel more and more confident and excited about what my birth experience would be like.  Only thing was, we were in the middle of moving (our second move since I had gotten pregnant) and the timing of move in date and due date were eerily close. 

We moved in 1 week before my due date and I was still pregnant.  Phew! Now, I can relax and just wait for our baby boy to make his debut.  

My due date came and went and then I started to feel impatient.  41 weeks…still pregnant.  Now I was getting serious anxiety because by California law, women are not allowed to have a home birth if you pass 42 weeks pregnant.  Each day that passed felt like an eternity and something I had waited 10 long months for, endured countless crazy looks for, and prepped physically, emotionally, and mentally for, was slowly starting to slip away.  My midwife had swept my membranes, I had walked more miles in a week than I had all year, and I was trying every trick there was to get him to come out.  41 weeks and 4 days, I had started to completely unravel.  It was a Sunday and I had locked myself in my room and cried and cried.  I told Conor I was going to throw away all my home birth supplies (that I had meticulously organized over and over because well, nesting).  I stared at the positive affirmations I had written and put up around the room and thought it was all just wasted effort. 

The next morning, Monday, I had another appointment with my midwife.  I was 41 weeks and 5 days.  I had been up all night with cramping and light contractions but didn’t think much of it since I had been experiencing that for weeks.  She swept my membranes again and we discussed what the plan would be for the next couple days.  I was to immediately drive to In N Out and purchase a shake where I would dump an 8oz bottle of castor oil into and chug.  If you don’t know what castor oil is, let me enlighten you.  It is a foul smelling oil that clears out your system, gives you stomach cramps, and makes you piss out of your ass for hours.  Let’s just say I was NOT looking forward to it.  But for some women, it had helped kick start labor and I was desperate.  My midwife said I was already 3cm dilated and she seemed confident it would work.

Conor and I left the appointment and began driving to pick up the shake.  While we were driving I got an intense contraction.  It was different than the ones I had been experiencing.  Before we got to In N Out, I had another one – 11 minutes apart.  10 minutes later while in the drive thru line, I had another one.  I started to get excited.  Could this be it??

We were almost home with the shake in hand and I had another contraction – this time it was 8 min from the last one.  They were getting closer.  I decided to hold off on the castor oil, went upstairs and started bouncing on my birth ball.  It was now 12pm and I was having contractions regularly every 5 min so I called my midwife.  She seemed skeptical but said to hold off on the castor oil for now and to check in with her in an hour. 

By 1pm, I knew this was the day I would meet my son.  I called my midwife and told her this was definitely it.  She listened to my moans during a contraction over the phone and said yep! and that she would start to head over. 

After I got off the phone I looked at my husband and smiled. “Are you ready?”  He was beaming ear to ear.  I was finally going to experience something I had longed for.  I felt calm and excited and confident.

My midwife arrived around 2pm and by then I was having some strong contractions that were coming every 3 min or so.  I hopped into the shower and the warm water on my back felt so good.  Conor sat on the sink counter and encouraged me the entire time.  He was joking and making me laugh and it all just felt so right. 

I don’t know what time it was, but all of a sudden shit started to get REAL.  The pressure was so intense that I would drop to my knees for every contraction.  My midwife checked me and said I was 7cm but his head was still really high and I needed to get him to come down.  She recommended I labor on the toilet.  Ladies, let me tell you, when I sat on that toilet each contraction felt like I might tear right down the middle.  I could only manage it for a few contractions and then had to come off.

Then, my midwife asked me to get into a deep squat for each contraction.  I would feel the wave of the contraction come and would get into a squat while holding the edge of our tub and scream.  And when I say scream, I mean like a deep dark demon was escaping me and I was turning into some sort of scary creature.  It was painful but it was primal.  I knew with each contraction I was getting closer to holding my baby.

After 10 contractions like that, I started to second guess myself.  Maybe I couldn’t do it.  Maybe he would never come out.  My beautiful midwife looked me in the eyes and said, “This is it Jami.  You’re almost there.” 

I moved to our bed where I could see my team of midwives prepping for his arrival.  This is where things get a little foggy for me.  Birth is such an intense experience that it almost feels out of body.  You have to go to a place in your mind that you could never in your life imagine unless you experience birth first hand.  I remember seeing my sister in law for a brief second as she entered to take photos, and my husband next to me loving and encouraging me.  And I remember pushing.  Pushing so hard I thought my butthole was going to turn inside out. And to be honest it probably did haha.  I could feel my baby moving down. Closer. He was right there.  And then I gave another push and he was crowning.  That ring of fire is REAL but still nothing compared to the burning contractions.  Another push and his head was out.  Another push and his body followed.  At 6:32pm Liam Patrick Murnane made his official debut into this world. 

As I held my beautiful boy on my chest, I felt complete.  There was nothing missing from that birth.  It was everything I had expected and so much more.  I felt strong, powerful, and like I could do anything.  Our daughters came rushing in eager to meet their brother.  Their little faces were lit up and they thought he was the cutest thing they’d ever seen.  To say they were obsessed is an understatement.  

About an hour later, I delivered my placenta and the midwives started cleaning up.  I was laying in my own bed, breastfeeding my new babe, and eating a home cooked meal made by my incredibly supportive husband.  I wish I could bottle that moment and relive it every single day.  

I’m so grateful my sister in law was there to take photos because now I can look back and remember that incredibly special day over and over.  I still sit in my bed now and think man, I delivered a baby right here.  How incredible is that?! 

Home birth isn’t for everyone.  I learned after Liam was born that less than 1% of births are done at home.  Furthermore, 1/4 of those home births are unplanned – a mama had such a fast labor that she gave birth before she could make it to the hospital. For some reason, that blew my mind.  And although home birth isn’t for everyone, I hope that every mother feels in control of her birth experience.  Do your research, talk to other mamas, and demand the birth YOU want.